On our way home..

On our way home my mom got mad just because I complained we were going home late, then as usual she would compare me to my dad and say mean things about me again. Then she starts telling me that I should drive and get my own car. As if I don't already know that! I'm just slower than other people, she always compares me to other people! Then she tolde to be nice. Well she doeant have to tell me that, i mean i know its christmas. I have ears! Hmm where have I heard that before? Honestly that line "be nice" irritates me. Most of the time I'm tired of being nice to people. Because everytime I'm nice to someone, I just get hurt quietly and sometimes my inner voice wants to do something to that person but I cant. All I can do is grin and bear it then let my anger out where no one can see me..

What happened today... (actually yesterday)

Let's see yesterday someone came to pick up a balikbayan box to ship to philippines. I watched movies and played games with my sister. I accidentally slid on the stairs since It was slippery and now my left arm hurts but not as much. Mostly my upper left shoulder so I'm typing with my right hand. An uncle came over to help clean my mom's messy room. Something bad happened after that, but I guess I shouldn't say that since I'ts really that bad. We planned to bake food in the evening but we're invited to my aunts house for Christmas where we ate, played video games, etc. We stayed until 2am. I was exhausted and a little upset since my sister promised we'd leave earlier. Also, Im still seeing which is the true church.

Reason why I wanted to go to philippines/ personal problems

Living in this house makes me feel miserable. I was going to go to philippines as an escape away from home. Because everyday I wake up and I know something bad will happen. I feel like the glue that barely keeps everything together. I feel if I leave something bad will happen and I always think everything is my fault. I am unhappy living in the house. I will not explain my situation clearly but just know I live in a broken home with parent that curses a lot, rude, not religious. And the other is religious, a cheater, plastic, compares me to others, and makes me feel like I don't have any worth, and has told me countless times that I'm stupid, to go kill myself, etc. Since I was little this person also has dropped me on the sidewalk and chase after the car to apologize. Bad parenting I know. If I ever have kids, I'll know how to treat them right knowing what the bad examples are. If you or anyone you know is suffering from suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, etc. Please know you are not alone. I experienced these things for a long time. People may not know it unless they ask me, so I try my best not to show it. And if you ever need someone to talk to I am here. And if not there is also the Suicide Prevention Hotline. I've tried it a few times over the years and it was awkward at first but relieving after. Here are some things I do when I am needing to talk to someone or don't have anyone to talk to:
- Singing helps
-Journaling so I don't forget what happened
-Blogging (almost like a journal to me, and helps get my thoughts out)
-YouTube
-Warm baths